They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So what do I see when I look into the mirror? I see a girl lost in pain and sorrow. Where the guys pass her by without a second glance and the girls point and laugh at her. I look down at my hand-me-down clothes and sigh. I am not ugly. Am I? I know I am big but that only mean more to love. Right?
I look over my shoulder and see all the cheerleaders laughing and pointing in my direction. A tear falls ever so slowly down my cheek. I know I shouldn't care what they say or think, but how can I not? I only want to fit in. To be accepted. I look up into the eyes of Blake and see he is embarrassed. I don't understand. Outside of school he wants me, holds me, tells me I am beautiful! "Mary! What are you doing!" He yells with anger in his voice. "How could you do this to me! In front of the entire school!"
"Blake! I didn't mean to embarrass you. I just wanted you to know...." I can feel all the eyes of the lunch room on me! "How I feel..." I whisper. Out of rage Blake grabs the rose from my hand and throws it to the ground. The he leans in with hatred in his eyes. "I never wanted you like that. I got what I wanted from you! Now leave me alone!" He shoves past me knocking me to the floor and the whole lunch room erupts into laughter. I can feel my heart break in so many ways. Tears start to fall and I begin to panic.
All of a sudden I feel a warm strong hand on my shoulder. I look up and see Jacob. He smiles softly down at me with kindness in his eyes. He slowly offers his hand to help me up. I know I should take it, but I push it away in anger and stand up on my own. I brush myself off as I do. I look to my side and see him kneeling down and picking up the remains of my rose. Why is he being so nice to me? He saw what just happened. I mean Jacob More is one of the hottest guys on campus. He is what all the girls want. Dark brown hair, deep warm brown eyes, a masculine jaw and the build of a Greek God. The type of man I could only dream of being with, let alone being friends with.
I close my eyes and breathe in deep as I turn and walk out of the room. I keep my head held high as I pass through the doors and walk down the hall to head towards my dorm room. As I leave the building I can hear my friend Carrie running up behind me. "Mary!!! Mary wait please!!! " I stop dead in my tracks and turn to face her. "What!" I snap at her with such anger, she jumps from my sudden outburst. "I just want to make sure you're okay." Her voice is soft and there's a hint of hurt laced though it. I throw my hands up in the air in defeat.
"What do you think Carrie!" My eyes hurt as I hold back the tears that want so desperately to fall. I close my eyes tight and take in a deep breath. I let it out slow as I open my eyes to look in to Carrie's. "Out of all the men in this fucking world.." I shake my head as I almost lose my grip. I feel a hot single tear fall from my eyes. "Blake was the last man on this earth I would have ever thought would take advantage of me. But he did." I turn around and start to walk away.
"What do you mean Mary? I don't understand." The concern in her voice make my heart ache. I stop and lean my head back and let out a loud "Aaahhh!" I turn back as more tears start to fall. "He fucked me! He used everything about my past to get under my skin. He knew just what to say and he got what he wanted. I was a fool in thinking he meant what he was telling me!" I start to cry as the reality of all that has happened hits me like a tidle wave.
"Oh my God Mary! I didn't know. I thought you two were ... well, you know?" She comes up to me and takes me in her embrace. "Mary, he's an ass. I can't believe what he's become." She brings me to arms length and looks me dead in the eye with an evil grin. "Do you want me to teach that son-of-a-bitch a lesson? You know I have plenty of blackmail photos from our high school days!" I laugh and shake my head no. Yes he has turned into an ass, but he is still Blake. The pimple covered faced, pocket protector wearing, blond haired blue eye boy I grew up loving.
He was always so kind to me. When the others would make fun of me he would be the one to help wipe away the tears and make me smile. That all changed over the summer after graduation. His skin cleared up and his parents paid for laser surgery on his eyes for his graduation present. He worked out every day after that. He became the jock he is now. A well built six foot two hot piece of ass. "Thanks Carrie, but he's not worth it. One day this will all come back and bite him in the ass." I smile and laugh as I say it. She nods her head and lets go of me.
"Okay honey, since you won't let me have my fun I will catch you later in history." She hugs me and walks away. I head towards my dorm. Once there I shut and lock my door. I quickly pick up the phone and call my history professor and explain that I will not be making it to his lecture on the acts of war in America. He gives me the run down and the pages I will need to study. I hang up and put on my famous pity party outfit. My flannel pants and baggy big dog tee shirt that says "I wish I could help you , but I just can't fix stupid!" And boy was I feeling stupid!
"Bang! Bang! Bang!" I jump from the sound of someone pounding on my door. "Mary! I know you're in there!" Fuck it's Blake! "Go away Blake! You made yourself perfectly clear earlier!" I yell through the door with a shaky voice. He slams his fist into the door making me jump again. "God Damnit Mary! Open the fucking door!" He pounds on the door even harder now. "Mary, please open the door we need to talk." His voice cracks and softens. He sounds like the old Blake. The Blake I know and love. I stand and walk to the door. I lean my forehead against the door and take in a deep breath. "No Blake. You said all you needed to say. You used me Blake. I have nothing I wish to say to you. Please ..."
He slams his fist in to the door making my forehead bounce. "You may not have anything to say to me Mary!" He yells with anger, but then I hear him take in a shuddering breath. "But I have things to say to you. I know I hurt you today and I'm sorry. Please let me in." He whispers through the door. I can hear the pain and regret in his voice as he slides down the door and sits down on the floor. I soon follow suit. "Blake, I don't think that's a good idea. We ..."
"Please, Mary." His voice cracks and I can hear the tears in his voice. He turns and slides his hand under the door and caresses my fingers. "Please ..." I stand and unlock the door and pull it open just enough to see his blood shot eyes and tear stained cheeks. He stands up quickly and tries to come in. I hold up my hand. "No Blake. This is as far as you will come. Tell me what you want me to hear and then go." I say it soft and try to hide the pain in my voice. He reaches out to touch me and I step back. His eyes close in agony and he lets his hand fall.
"I didn't mean what I said Mary. You know me better than any one else." He looks at me and locks his gaze with mine. His eyes are so full of pain and worry. "I love you! I would never hurt you intentionally. I wasn't myself." He pinches the bridge of his nose. "I want you. I do. I wasn't lying to you when I said that. I have always wanted you." He reaches out for me again, but this time I don't move. He brings his hand to my cheek and caresses it slowly, lovingly. Wiping away a tear that had escaped from my eye. "I have loved you for a very long time Mary. I knew then you would be my first." He leans in to kiss me and I back away.
"Wait! What do you mean you knew I would be your first?!"I snap with anger in my voice. The look of shock in his eyes says it all. "Well? What is that suppose to me mean Blake?" I watch him close his eyes trying to formulate his response. Then his eyes open and he takes my hand in his. "Mary, I wanted you to be my first and I yours! We have been through so much together it was only right. But now that I have tasted you, I want more of you!" I watch his eyes and I can't tell if he is telling me the truth or just telling me what I want to hear. I take in a shuddering breath of air.
"I have loved you for so long. But if you truly feel the way you say you do, then why did you push me away? Why? You know what I have been through and when the time came you did the same to me as the others. You broke your promise to me Blake. You ripped my heart out and in front of the entire campus." I look away as I feel a hot tear escaping from my eyes. I wipe it away quickly. "You took me by surprise! How was I suppose to act?" He snaps back defensively.
"If you have to ask that question then there is nothing more to say. Goodbye Blake!" I slam the door in his face and walk back to my bed. I sit down as he begins to pound on the door again. "Mary come on. I am sorry. Please don't push me away!" I scowl at the door as he continues to plead. "Go away Blake!" "Not until you hear me out!" I roll my eyes and stare at the door. "Go away Blake! There is nothing more I want to hear from you." I reach over and turn on my radio. I crank it up so it muffles his pleas. Soon my phone starts to go off. I look down.
'Mary, please let me in. We need to talk about this.' Fuck! He just won't give up. I text back. 'Blake go home or I will call campus police.'
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